Is your relationship falling apart? Fix it or forget it

Is your relationship falling apart? Fix it or forget itMPj03863640000[1]

When relationships are falling apart you may find yourself doing some or all of the following.

You may choose to surround yourself with busy-ness and hope the issue will sort itself out.
It won’t.

You may think that you can predict what a person you know well will do at any time.
You can’t.

You may think that it’s possible to create distractions for yourself that will in turn make the problem go away.
You can’t.

You may think that other people or children will not really be affected by your action or inaction.
They will be.

You may even think that they won’t really know what you are doing.
They will.

You may fool yourself into thinking you are coping because you are busy.
You are not.

Take a look at your life. Are you living in chaos, running from one activity to another, neglecting the basics, filling your time with outside activities and people you don’t really know?

If you are having relationship issues with a partner, whether or not a third party is involved, you need to take control of the situation and decide that you are together or you are not together. A half-way house arrangement will not work – don’t fool yourself that you are doing it for the children. You are only making it worse for the children. Children cope with security and routine, take these things away and they become insecure and anxious, a sure way to put them under emotional stress and lay down the foundations for their own future problems.

Take control of yourself and your situation.

• If your relationship is not working you and your partner may choose to have counseling together.
• You may review your life together to agree and establish some ground rules that you both can work on.
• You may be past the point of no return, arguing, fighting, living in an atmosphere of anger and tension – if this has happened, make alternative arrangements, for all your sakes, especially the children. Children survive better with one parent who is able to give love, security and routine than with both living in chaos and tension.
• Think about your basic needs, look at your income, work out what you can afford to do, if you need help ask at your local health centre or community support centre for budgeting advice and any other contacts you might need.
• Your priority needs to be meeting the needs of yourself and your children. Trim the extras. Down size your commitments. Move nearer to work or nearer family who can help with child care. Rent or buy a smaller property, sell or give away animals that you can no longer afford to devote time and money to.

If a third party is involved think carefully about what is happening there
• Is your relationship with them an escape route from the one you are in?
• Is it purely sexual attraction?
• Has this person just come out of a relationship?
• If so why did that relationship fail?
• How well do you really know this person, it is very difficult to get to know someone on meetings snatched when time and circumstances allow.
• What are you hoping for?
• What are they hoping for?
• What is their past history – what do your really know about them?
• Have you thought about how they will relate to your children and you to theirs if they have any?
• What will make this different?
• What was your part in the failure of your relationship, are you too controlling, do you lack self respect, are you always honest – what did your partner complain about? It takes two to tango!
• What makes you think this relationship will be any different to the one you have just come out of?

I know this is challenging stuff and I’ve been through it! It is easier to look in from the outside and see what is going on, however, you will know if your life and relationship doesn’t feel right, don’t let it go so far that you have to resort to threats and or violence. Fix it or forget it.

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