Have you forgiven her or are you holding a grudge?

We are all human and at some time we are going to do something that hurts or offends our loved ones, just as they will hurt or offend us. Its how you deal with it that is important.

Who do you know that holds a grudge? Usually they are the people that spend their time criticising other people and justifying their own actions. They sound a bit like this, “He never, note the use of the word ‘never’, helps me with x y z so I’m not going to do 123 for him”, or, “she got drunk and made a fool of me, I’m not going to let her forget it”. These thoughts are destructive in a relationship they will drive a wedge between you.

Forgiveness begins with trying to understand what was going on for the other person and how they were feeling when they did whatever it was that hurt you. Before you judge me, walk in my shoes. That is not to say they were right in what they did, but it will help you understand what they did.
When you have walked in their shoes the next thing to do is to work out how you would want to be treated if you had done the same thing. Would you want to be punished and reminded for the rest of your life about something you did when you were having and off day? Treat your partner as you would want them to treat you.

Two things happen we are hurt, our emotions and thoughts are disturbed, therefore, two things have to be addressed before we can forgive. We have to think through the process so that we can feel right with it. Forgiving an action doesn’t mean that you approve of it, it means that you choose to accept your partners mistake, whether or not they have apologised. You accept that you have been treated wrongly, upset, hurt, lied to, you acknowledge your feelings, but under the circumstances, i.e. your loving relationship, you decide to put these thoughts and feelings away for the greater good of the relationship. Forgiveness also improves your health! carrying grudges around makes you prone to all the diseases caused by stress and tension.

Forgiveness comes from a place in you that recognises we are all human and all capable of acting wrongly at some time. There does come a point however, when you decide that some aspects of your relationship with a certain person must come to an end, this is the same for friendships or couples. If one party continues to cause the same offence knowing that they are causing hurt and upset, there comes a time when the conversation may sound a bit like this, “ I notice that almost every time we go out together you get drunk, when you are drunk you belittle me in front of our friends. I have asked you several times not to do that. You have agreed that you would stop and I accepted that, however, I haven’t seen any change and I’m not prepared to go on forgiving you for upsetting me when you don’t seem to be making any effort to change what you are doing”.

At this point there is still a choice that the other person can make, they can take responsibility for their behaviour and continue the relationship, or they can carry on as they are knowing that you will take steps to protect yourself from further hurt. It may be that you will no longer go out with that particular friend or you may choose to stay home when your partner goes out drinking with friends, or you may decide that there is no longer a place for this person in your life.

Forgiveness comes from respect for your self and that other person, if they cannot or will not join you in that respect it is time to reassess the relationship.

The true purpose of any friendship or relationship if to bring joy, happiness, support, love and development to each other, a strong friendship or relationship enables each party to explore their opportunities and grow into the best person they can be. If your relationship is not ticking these boxes you may seek advice or counseling, you may be able to work things through together or you may decide that you are not able to continue in a loving supportive way therefore it is better to part.
If you are having relationship difficulties and would like to work on yourself or together with your partner, check out this link, http://www.yemanyacoaching.com/products-page/

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