Over 40 and looking for love?


Lydia is 43 she has 3 children and 1 grandchild, she recently divorced her husband of 21 years. She felt free, felt as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, but she didn’t know quite what to do with her new life.

So far she has found out that going out drinking and clubbing with younger women is not the answer. Many women of Lydia’s age find it difficult to get into social networks where they can meet the kind of ‘quality’ men they might choose to form a relationship with.

She came to see me almost in despair, her experiences of trying to build a social life through her contact at her work have left her feeling disillusioned and a little afraid of today’s society. She needed to get her life back on track if she was going to find a new partner.

It was good to be able to reassure her that there are good people out there, but that finding them is not necessarily going to be as easy as going to as club or pub for a night out.
You have to ask yourself when you go to pubs and clubs what it is you’re looking for. If you are going out to enjoy a few drinks, enjoy the company of friends and dance or listen to music, that’s fine.

If however, you are going out looking for a partner, take a good look around at the kinds of people you see there. Groups of men of similar ages may be, e.g., work mates or a soccer team out for a night out, they may be a stag party. Have a look for wedding rings, men on a legitimate night out will be wearing their rings, if they have them. A bunch of younger guys with no or few rings among them will still be ligit’ but they may be looking for a different kind of entertainment. The same applies to groups of women. It seems to me that many people out on the club scene are just out for a good time. If you happen to meet the man or woman of your dreams that will be a bonus. You are more likely to find someone looking for a good night out and nothing more.

Also take into consideration the venue, if you are looking for a new partner in a certain income bracket, you’ll need to socialise in the places where these people socialise. You are not going to find high earning professionals in a down market pub. Same applies to any other group, like minds tend to congregate together, spend time finding out where the people you are interested in go to socialise.

Just as important, is having some ideas about the personality and qualities of the person you would like to meet. I asked Lydia what kind of man she was looking for, this is what she told me.
“I’m not sure what I want, but I know what I don’t want!”
That at least is a start! But it’s going to be a whole lot easier to find a new partner if you know what you are looking for.

I’ve written about this before but it keeps on coming up. It is a good idea to make a list of the qualities you would like your new partner to have. Also make a list of you absolute ‘no no’s’ and do not on any circumstances consider anyone with any of these ‘no no’ attributes.

How long does it take you to choose new clothes, a new car, a new house, how many trial runs do you have, how many houses do you visit? Same with finding a new partner – be picky, be choosy, you deserve to be happy so you need to take your time and make sure you make the right choice.

Lydia is busy getting her life back on track, she has joined an art class at her local polytechnic college and she has joined a local conservation group.
She employed an image consultant for a day and went shopping, she has a new look, a new hairstyle, she is building a new social life. She still goes out with the girls from work occasionally – but not looking for a partner. She realises that she probably won’t find the kind of person she wants to settle down with in a pub or night club, but she might find him painting or taking photographs of endangered wildlife.

Lydia’s choice of activities and the interests she’s taken up probably won’t be your choice but the process is the same.

Lydia’s tip – take your time, be selective, don’t be afraid to say ‘no thanks’, I don’t want to see you again. It’s all about you being happy, not about keeping someone else happy. When you find the right person you’ll both be happy.



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