More about On-Line Dating for the over 40s

Many people over 40 will have spent 20 or more years with the same partner. Some relationships simply fall apart, couples spend less and less time doing things together, their interests change, or one of them has an affair and decides or is forced to leave the relationship. Some people, sadly, will be widowed.
The end of any long term relationship is in some ways like a bereavement. There is a huge gap in your life that needs to be filled, you may feel lost and vulnerable. You may even be relieved if you have just come out of a stressful or abusive relationship. As human beings we are designed to seek and enjoy the company of other human beings and in particular our mate, unless of course, you have been widowed.

Many of the people I work with tell me that they always seem to fall for the same types of person and end up having the same kinds of problems. There are many theories around why this should happen, everything from the way your parents raised you to what kind of personality or star sign you have. They may all be relevant to some degree. I tend to work from a premise that many people take what they get and try to change it into what they want. Surely it’s better to know what you want and then go out and get it.

We all have different personalities, thank goodness! But there are types of people that hold certain values and behave in certain ways, you will recognise kindness, generosity, sarcasm, meanness, honesty, dishonesty as general character traits. But are you on the look out for manipulation, control, deceit, there may only be subtle signs to begin with, but you need to be aware of them and be strong enough to be drawn into the games people with these traits play.

Look carefully and objectively at your last relationship, what went wrong and why do you think it went wrong? Be honest.

Reflect of the good and bad aspects of your previous partner’s character, write them down.

Now write a description of your perfect partner, compare this list to the one you made about your previous partner – interesting?

If you are going to begin on-line dating keep your list of qualities you are looking for right beside you when you read someone’s profile, also keep your list of don’t wants handy to refer to. Don’t get lulled into a false sense of security just because you are getting along with someone by email or even on the telephone. Often under these circumstances it is difficult to know what a person genuinely feels because you can’t see their reactions to what you say, if you can use on-line video, that will help. However, there is no substitute for getting to know someone face to face, and taking as much time as you need to do it.

On-line dating can be a great way to meet people, but don’t be shy or afraid to say no and saying no will be easier if you are clear about what you want in the first place. You don’t go shopping for size 36 black shoes and come home with brown size 37 because that all there was on the day. No, you come home empty handed and try again another day, the same goes for on-line dating, take your time, know what you are looking for and don’t be pressured to get involved on any level with someone that does not meet your criteria.

Good luck.

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