What happens when your relationship breaks up?

Obviously that depends a lot on what type of relationship you are in.
1. Some people continue to have a life while they are in a relationship, they meet with friends and family, they maintain their hobbies, they go on trips with friends and they spend time with their partner.

2. Other people close down their lives while they are in a relationship. The relationship becomes exclusive and consuming. In my opinion this is not a healthy situation. You may look in from the outside and think how wonderfully in love the couple must be, but you must also ask, “is it normal for two people to cut everything and everyone else out of their lives for long periods of time?”

We’ll take a look at number 2 first, for two reasons, it is the relationship style that is likely to have a very messy break up and it going to leave you devastated with nowhere to turn. An exclusive relationship is usually being controlled by one partner.
• I can’t bear to be away from you.
• I worry when you are not with me.
• Who were you with.
• Where did you go.
• What did you talk about.
• Take me with you.
• I want you to stay and do this for me, with me.
• I’ll be upset if you go by yourself.
• You spend too much time with your family.
• I don’t really like your friends.

Any of these comments should be an alarm bell and if you hear several of them put on your running shoes. The next step is that of you do any of the above you will be punished. Your partner may sulk, may not speak, may get drunk, or might even become aggressive. You may be accused of going out to see someone else, etc., etc. This is not a relationship, this is control and possession, don’t be fooled by it. In the early days of a relationship couples do spend a lot of time together, but then they begin to open up again and the relationship becomes the central focus of their lives but it is fully integrated into the other areas, mentioned in number 1. In a number 2 style relationship your friends and family don’t get to know the person you are with and therefore can’t alert you to any potential problems they might see. Love is blind up to a point, but the people in your life that care for you are not.

We’ll explore relationship number 1 now, this couple do spend time together, but it’s not exclusive, they see each other most days but often in the company of friends and family. The important people in their lives get the opportunity to get to know their new partner and vice versa. Of course they have alone time, but it is by mutual agreement and arrangement not by coercion and threats. They can talk about any concerns with friends or family because these people know the partner. Friends and family are also in a position to flag up any worries they may have. You may not think that some of your partner’s habits are a problem but not everyone else will see it that way and it’s good to get feedback.

If couple number 1 should break up, life will go on. They will feel sadness and regret and getting over it may take a long time, but they will still see their friends and family, they will be able to go to sport as before, they will get support from the other people in their lives.

When couple number 2 split up, and they probably will, one of them will be lost and alone, possibly having had to leave for their own safety. They will have lost many friends and had little contact with family. Who will you turn to? Will you be strong enough to visit people and say, “Hey I’m still here, I’m sorry I’ve neglected you for two years, I need a friend”.
The other partner, the controlling partner may well be waiting in the wings to regain his or her position of power. They will text or call just to remind you of what a bad person you are, they will try to make you believe that this is all you own doing. They may even suggest that you get back together, but only if you are going to do as you are told this time. PLEASE DON’T GO THERE!

Happy fulfilled people have happy fulfilling relationships. Being in a relationship is about sharing your life with someone you love. It is not about being threatened or controlled by another person.

You are a whole person you do not need to be part of a couple to have a life. Fill your life with good friends, go to the gym, or join a sports club, be in the social club at work. Susan Jeffers in “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” divides life into 9 boxes and each box contains a different activity, so if one of these things stops you have only one empty box to worry about.
Try it:- 1. Family, 2. Work, 3, Tennis, 4, Boyfriend, 5, Girlfriends, 6, Me time, 7, Relaxation, 8, Chores, 9, Community / Charity.

It is easy to fill your life with fun and purpose AND have a loving relationship. If you feel you need to know more about managing your life or your relationships please check out our excellent e-books and courses, or become a member for more personal attention.

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